Coroner Stories

When I first went into this field, I was amazed at the number of deaths that occurred in certain categories. For example, I never knew more deaths were attributed to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome than to abuse. On one hand, it appears the media likes to focus more on the abuse cases because they make for more sensational reporting than a babies that just unexpectedly die in their sleep. On the other hand, it’s good for the parents of the SIDS baby because they are able to grieve in peace.

I also never knew so many people committed suicide. Unless there’s an article in the paper discussing suicide rates, they really aren’t that publicized. Family members and funeral directors are understandably reluctant to include this detail in someone’s obituary. Unless someone takes their own life in a public setting or a very unusual way—like jumping off a building or “Suicide by Cop,” the news media seems fairly reluctant to cover suicides.

But the category that has continued to amaze me the most is one that you won’t find listed among mortality statistics—toilet deaths.

My assumption is that we as a civilized people are naturally inclined to head for the toilet whether our intestinal discomfort is heading north or south. It’s quite common for family members to offer that their loved one had been experiencing nausea, vomiting, or diarrhea in the days preceding their death. Unfortunately, this history is usually evident upon entering the bathroom. Even drug users exhibit this behavior with drugs on board. I’ve moved plenty of bodies from bathrooms that still bore tourniquets or syringes in their veins. Others have left vomitus on or around the toilet containing macerated pills.

If I never again have to work a scene where someone is dead on the toilet, in front of the toilet, in the toilet, or wedged between the toilet and tub or cabinet it will be too soon. I’ve never seen a cop run from anything, but when a toilet comes free from its base and tips over, you’d think the contents of the bowl were filled with hot lava.

I’ve just about come to the conclusion that there should be federally mandated warning stickers placed on toilet seats—“If you are over 40—don’t fight it!” In a world where manufacturers feel legally compelled to tell people not to use a blow dryer in the shower, they should feel equally compelled to warn people about the risks of breath control and steady pushing or educate them on the benefits high-fiber diets.