I’ve received quite a few comments and emails requesting more details about my recent post “Top 10 Unique Things I’ve Done�. I’m currently working on expanding the items I listed, and I hope to post them individually over the course of the next two weeks.
Please stay tuned…
To tell the truth, I’ve never really stopped to consider my true thoughts or “feelings� on coping with child deaths, much less compile them into a cohesive form. That said, this post should be as new to me as it is to anyone who reads it.
Not everyone deals with child deaths the same way. It’s been my experience that there are three major classifications that people fall into. Here’s a quick breakdown:
Class A: These are the people that are overly affected by child deaths. They become emotionally involved on some level with every child death and in some cases take the death too personally. It affects their mood at work as well as at home. Class A people are most likely to develop physical and psychological problems as a result of their coping method.
Class B: These are the people that are somewhat affected by child deaths. For the most part, they do a good job of leaving their work at work, but on occasion are known to have a “spillover� occur. Class B people are usually aware of when they are being affected by child deaths and take steps to compensate. Compensation usually involves gravitating toward the coping methods of the other two classes.
Class C: These are the people that aren’t affected by child deaths. They can work numerous child deaths with a focused, workmanlike attitude and give the task no more thought than any other aspect of their job. They spend most of their time oblivious to the tragedy that the death involves. Class C people are probably more affected than they realize.
On second thought, maybe I have put some thought into this subject.
As for myself, I suppose I bounce around in the B to C range with most of my time spent in C. If I spend any time at all thinking about child deaths, I focus mostly on how little they seem to affect me and on my subsequent fear that one day I’m going to snap and take a hostage.
As it stands, I do a pretty good job of avoiding the significance of child deaths. The only time I ever think about the subject is when someone else brings it up. The typical scenario is when someone asks whether or not I was involved with the investigation of a given case. I’ll respond accordingly, and invariably—regardless of whether I was involved in the case at all—the person responds with some variation of “That was so sad.� My typical response is short and to the point, “Yes, it was.�
It seems to me to be the polite response–the response they are expecting. They certainly don’t want to hear me say, no matter how sincerely, “You know, I hadn’t thought of thatâ€? any more than someone who asks “How’s it goingâ€? really wants to hear about how bad things actually are.
A few years ago, an intern at our morgue became upset over a child death. I can’t recall the particulars of the death itself as to whether it was a violent or “natural� death. She was the type that would have gotten upset just as easily over either one. What stands out so distinctly in my mind is how upset she was and how willing she was to share her thoughts. Within only a few short moments one of the pathologists had heard enough.
“If you can’t observe and be quiet, then get out! You’re starting to depress the s - - - out of the rest of us.�
I was glad the pathologist said something as I was getting a little upset myself. A few more minutes and I would have done the same (I’ve certainly done it since then). The intern’s feelings were valid, but to those of us taking an active role in the examination it was an unnecessary distraction. We didn’t feel the need to weigh in as to whether we thought the child looked like she had been a happy baby.
I apologize if my way of dealing with child deaths has given the impression that I’m a cold-hearted bastard. I’m certainly not suggesting that my “method� for coping would work for everyone. It seems completely rational to me and has served me well. As proof, I haven’t felt the need to purchase a high-powered rifle and head to the nearest clock tower.
I can only provide two nuggets of advice that can be universally applied:
1. Find whatever means of coping works for you and run with it.
2. If you can’t find a means for coping early on, then pursue something else.
Initially, I had intended to provide some practical advice for others to use, but it occurs to me that I haven’t provided much of a formula for coping with child deaths. I suppose if I were a psyhciatrist, I would propose the more accurate title of “Avoiding Coping with Child Deaths.� But I’m not. Those people are crazy…